It's All About Connection! NVC With Dr. B!
Episode 006: How Our Responses Get Us in Trouble! Comparing Our Responses to NVC Responses
Episode Summary
Today's episode is about how our responses get us in trouble, I think we've all been there, I certainly have. Just reacting to someone without thinking, which causes something to be triggered for the other person. The other thing to think about is, not only do our responses get us in trouble, but also start paying attention to the way people respond to you and what you don't like.
Episode Notes
People tend to have a typical way that they respond in circumstances, we call this in NVC, other conversational responses. Here are a list of them; there's giving advice, consoling, relating one-upping, if you're in the fight, you might use other conversational responses like blaming, judging, correcting, explaining. We also do things in general, claiming playing devil's advocate, sarcastic humor, all of which are the more subtle ones.
Key Points Discussed:
- You have ways that you respond when you're just having a conversation with someone or friends coming and you're sharing to some time together, and what's going on in my life? What's going on in your life? We have ways of talking in those moments, kind of like we're doing right now, there are also certain ways that we respond habitually when we're in conflict, and some of these what I call other conversation responses. (1:41)
- As you grow in your NVC process, you start to have more of an awareness of what you do in conversation and what other people do in conversation, and then you start to pay more attention to what works, like what do you like, what's annoying for you. Before you might have felt annoyed but weren't able to pinpoint it, now that you have this contrast of all the different ways that a person can respond and then the empathy, saying that we tend to practice a lot while you're really learning in NVC, practicing it and noticing, trying it on and seeing what that is like to have that as a response. (4:23)
- It feels like you're yet learning a whole new language and you're like pausing, it feels almost robotic. You know what, the empathy process, it becomes smoother and maybe you're not repeating verbatim what the other person has said, you can put it into your own words and it has more flow and ease. (5:50)
- What happens is you're relating, so now the conversation has turned back on you, not on the other person that was just talking. So this idea of being seen, heard and valued, and you might have just taken away from that person experience and being seen heard and valued when you relate... no right or wrong with relating, but again, you might want to ask, or if you give advice to somebody, we all want to help. When we see somebody in a situation, we want to help, and so we tend to give advice unsolicited, and there's nothing wrong with giving advice, but let's put it in the context of that definition of connection, which is being seen, heard and valued without judgment. (12:23)
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